synapse collapse

PEREZ HILTON GOT BEAT UP BY FUCKING WILL.I.AM.

I. KNOW. RIGHT?

HOLY FUCKING SHIT THAT IS THE FUNNIEST THING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. sorry, but that dude is a midget. can you imagine a midget beating you up? and isn’t the dude a hologram or something?

She (oh wait, Perez is a dude?) should’ve asked the Twitters for the number for 911, perhaps. Last I checked, 911 operators don’t monitor Twitter for calls for help. And imagine if someone tried to call 911:

• 911: 911, what’s your emergency?
• Caller: Perez Hilton said she was beat up by a rapper on Twitter.
• 911: What? Is Twitter that thing I saw on Oprah? How does that work?
• Caller: Yeah, it’s pretty cool. You know the status thing in FaceBook? It’s like—
• 911: Nevermind about that. So who did you say was beat up?
• Caller: Perez Hilton.
• 911: You mean the girl from that TV show with Lionel Ritchie’s daughter?
• Caller: No, that’s PAIR-is. This is per-EZZ. P-e-r-e-z.
• 911: Is she related to Paris?
• Caller: It’s a he. And I don’t think so. He’s at the SoHo Met.
• 911: He’s at the what? And who names a boy Perez?
• Caller: I’m not sure who his parents are. He’s at the Met in SoHo. He was beat up by Will.I.Am.
• 911: You’re what? And do you know Will’s last name?
• Caller: No, the rapper’s name is “William”, but spelled “Will-dot-I-dot-Am”.
• 911: Who puts dots in their son’s name like that?
• Caller: No idea. I think SoHo is in New York, but there’s one in Tampa, London, Hong Kong, Philadelphia, no I mean Pittsburgh. Oh wait, says here he’s at the MuchMusic awards.
• 911: The what!?
• Caller: Oh, I guess that’s in Toronto.
• 911: Sir, why are you calling 911 in Lake Havasu, AZ for help in Toronto?
• Caller: Because Perez said he needed help on Twitter!
• 911: Okay, so explain this Twitter thing again?

Oh, and evidently a few people did call.